Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
