I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
