he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
These tits shall not be calmed
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