If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
There's always time for handjobs
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm like, not good at living.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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