I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
