i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
