So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
