the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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