i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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