Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
