You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
