How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
