I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
