life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
