Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
