Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
