member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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