if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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