Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
