Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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