its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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