walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
