she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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