I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
What changed your mind?
Being sober
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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