just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
