let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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