Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
