I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
