apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
