Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
