Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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