Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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