fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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