She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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