I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I am naked and annoyed.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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