Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
