I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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