Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm getting married
To pizza
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
