I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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