Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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