The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
oh god was she eating orange peels again
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
