So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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