Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
