I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
