Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
