I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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