Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
