When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
