If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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