Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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